Luke Rides 2-Wheel Style

I started writing this post in February and just now got around to finishing it! It warmed up enough a few days ago to play outside again! I noticed as Luke rode his bike with lopsided training wheels that he wasn't really using them so I told him we'd be able to take them off soon. The next day, he convinced Matt to take them off. Much to our amazement, Luke just took off riding! Okay, seriously how did that happen? When did my little baby grow up so much? This year has proven him to be a true "boy" no longer my baby. To top it off, he sat down to tie his shoes a few days later (after months of not even trying it) and tied it perfectly! I mean did he go to his room and practice while I wasn't watching or what? I also catch him trying to read words in books when he things I'm not listening. He even started writing me notes where his words are looking more and more like real words. So not ready for him to grow up....

To Work or Not to Work

So, it's time for me to get serious about my decision for next year. I am so grateful that I've had this year at home with the kids, but my year-long leave will be over when school starts next August. The question that I have been wrestling with for the past several months is whether or not I will be there when it starts up or if I will be home with Gabe and Kiera. I tend to lean heavily one direction and then several things will happen than influence me to lean the other way. This wouldn't be so difficult if I thought I could stay home for a few years and then get back into teaching. Unfortunately, I work in a field where being "overly qualified" can actually work against you when looking for a job. With a Master's and 7 years experience, there's a good chance that I would be too expensive to hire. There is also the fact that I LOVE my school and coworkers! That being said, education has changed a lot in these past 7 years. Authentic teaching seems to be on the back burner while data boards, test scores, and textbooks are creeping to the forefront. This year I missed the excitement of beginning a new year, organizing my classroom, getting everything ready, and meeting the kids. I missed those teachable moments and the excitement that bubbles over when 6 year-olds are involved in hands-on science lessons. I didn't miss updating my webpage, endless streams of emails, dealing with behavior problems, hours of lesson planning, cutting engaging science lessons to spend the "correct" amount of time on reading or math, updating data boards, data folders, and data spreadsheets. I miss the days of truly integrated units of study where learning seemed to happen naturally and didn't need to be recorded every step of the way. Don't get me wrong, I believe that it is important to show growth and progress, but it doesn't have to come in test form. I miss the days of meaningful projects that made kids excited to come to school. I miss seeing kids learn when they thought they were just having fun! I do not miss timers, deadlines, pressuring children to progress further than they are developmentally ready to progress, meetings, state regulations, constant testing, and feeling like we're rushing through activities just to say that we accomplished it all. And really, what have we accomplished if we've rushed through the day? We have created stressed out children who rush through just to get the job done rather than calm, clear thinking children who enjoy the journey that is their childhood and take the time to really understand.

At home, the pace is almost too slow though. I almost desperately seek some sort of mental stimulation. So far that has entailed: couponing, cloth diapering (which led to an ebay obsession), sewing (only to fix things), and making bows and headbands. Each "hobby" gets full attention for a couple weeks or so and then grows old though I still do each of these things some of the time. I have visions of being a "good" stay-at-home mommy. In these visions, I wake up before the kids to work out and shower. I then fix breakfast and wake everyone up (cheerfully). We actually do the activities that I have planned out, but never really implemented on a regular basis such as calendar time, pre-reading activities, science experiments, math games, music/dance time, and scheduled trips to the library and WonderLab. Now, we do engage in each of these activities sometimes, but it is random and unplanned. I keep waiting for motivation to get my act together, but it eludes me. And so I wonder if I would be a better mom if I were to go back to work where things are busier and more scheduled because I would be more productive and energetic.

I know there is no "right" or "wrong" decision here. There is just the decision that is best for my family. I am trying desperately to figure out where God wants me because I know that if I choose to follow His path, He will be there to light they way. I feel that going back to work is actually the safe and easy choice for me because it is familiar. I know what to expect and I feel more in control. God doesn't call for us to be in control though. He calls for us to trust in Him. So, do I trust Him enough to quit my job and enter the realm of unknowns? I wish I could say yes, but I hesitate and He knows because He always knows. So I continue to ask God to guide me in this decision. I want to make sure that if I quit my job (a job that I feel He led me to 5 years ago) then it is truly because God is leading me in a new direction and for no other reason. Quitting would be a giant leap of faith for me. It would be putting into practice what I say I believe - that God will always provide what we need. Thoughts swirl around and around in my mind when it comes to this decision. It keeps me awake at night, robs me of joy during the day, takes attention away from my children, and leaves very little of my mind available for my husband who has been wonderfully supportive of either decision. And so I must decide for my own sanity and so that I know where to register Luke for kindergarten. Next week begins registration for MCCSC and RBBCSC's registration is only a couple weeks away.

Decision Made

So it's been awhile since I've updated on here. I made the BIG decision to leave the teaching profession for awhile to be home while the kids are little. It was such a difficult decision for me mostly because there wasn't a "right" or "wrong" choice. I wavered back and forth for weeks until an email from my principal prompted me to make a final decision. I even loaded all 3 kids into the car and drove to school hoping that somehow being there would help me make the decision. I had both letters (return to work and resignation) in my purse. That visit didn't pan out quite the way I had anticipated. Gabe decided that aside from the chocolate in my principal's office, he wasn't into the trip and made it known. Even Luke was antsy by the end. I took a walk around just to see and talk to co-workers and get a feel for how the year has been going with all the changes in education. I hadn't been in the school since last spring so I wasn't sure how I would feel. I honestly thought I might realize how much I missed it, but in reality a screaming toddler added enough stress that I didn't have time for nostalgic thoughts. Exhausted, I loaded all 3 kids back into the car to head home without actually making my decision final. Though I was pretty sure at that point that I was going to stay home. I had felt God pulling me in that direction in the weeks prior, but it was hard for me to follow His prompting because it might mean never getting back into a career that I really did enjoy. But teaching is changing and the time commitment that I felt obligated to devote to my job was going to impact my three beautiful babies. I keep thinking that if I could teach and then go home and be fully present at home, then I could keep doing it. But I can't do that. I am a person who has to give 110% to whatever I'm doing. I realized that to be a great teacher, I would be robbing my own children. And to be a great mom, I wouldn't be able to give enough to those children in my classroom. I didn't want to be doing both jobs half-way when I could be doing one job really well and obviously being a mom trumps being a teacher ;).

I talked it over again with Matt and he was fine with either decision. So I sat at my computer that evening with my resignation letter up on the screen. It took me hours to finally hit the send button. Once I finally sent it, I felt relieved that the decision was finally made. I was comfortable with my decision for about a week when the doubts started to creep in. For about a week I really started to wonder if I had made the wrong decision. Then I went to church and that sense of peace was renewed. I realized I was being tempted with feelings of regret, doubt, and jealousy and none of these come from God. I know that when I made my decision, it was for the right reasons. It was just difficult to close that chapter of my life. I know that if God wants me back in the classroom in the future, then he will provide a way or He may lead me in an entirely different direction if I am just willing to trust in His will and follow His plan. Eek! I'm not so good at giving up control so I guess I needed to be put in a position where I am giving up control so that I will be prepared to follow. Even now I look around for jobs that maybe I could do part-time or from home, but really I need to focus on three important things: Luke, Gabe, and Kiera (oh, and probably Matt too ;) ).