Decision Made

So it's been awhile since I've updated on here. I made the BIG decision to leave the teaching profession for awhile to be home while the kids are little. It was such a difficult decision for me mostly because there wasn't a "right" or "wrong" choice. I wavered back and forth for weeks until an email from my principal prompted me to make a final decision. I even loaded all 3 kids into the car and drove to school hoping that somehow being there would help me make the decision. I had both letters (return to work and resignation) in my purse. That visit didn't pan out quite the way I had anticipated. Gabe decided that aside from the chocolate in my principal's office, he wasn't into the trip and made it known. Even Luke was antsy by the end. I took a walk around just to see and talk to co-workers and get a feel for how the year has been going with all the changes in education. I hadn't been in the school since last spring so I wasn't sure how I would feel. I honestly thought I might realize how much I missed it, but in reality a screaming toddler added enough stress that I didn't have time for nostalgic thoughts. Exhausted, I loaded all 3 kids back into the car to head home without actually making my decision final. Though I was pretty sure at that point that I was going to stay home. I had felt God pulling me in that direction in the weeks prior, but it was hard for me to follow His prompting because it might mean never getting back into a career that I really did enjoy. But teaching is changing and the time commitment that I felt obligated to devote to my job was going to impact my three beautiful babies. I keep thinking that if I could teach and then go home and be fully present at home, then I could keep doing it. But I can't do that. I am a person who has to give 110% to whatever I'm doing. I realized that to be a great teacher, I would be robbing my own children. And to be a great mom, I wouldn't be able to give enough to those children in my classroom. I didn't want to be doing both jobs half-way when I could be doing one job really well and obviously being a mom trumps being a teacher ;).

I talked it over again with Matt and he was fine with either decision. So I sat at my computer that evening with my resignation letter up on the screen. It took me hours to finally hit the send button. Once I finally sent it, I felt relieved that the decision was finally made. I was comfortable with my decision for about a week when the doubts started to creep in. For about a week I really started to wonder if I had made the wrong decision. Then I went to church and that sense of peace was renewed. I realized I was being tempted with feelings of regret, doubt, and jealousy and none of these come from God. I know that when I made my decision, it was for the right reasons. It was just difficult to close that chapter of my life. I know that if God wants me back in the classroom in the future, then he will provide a way or He may lead me in an entirely different direction if I am just willing to trust in His will and follow His plan. Eek! I'm not so good at giving up control so I guess I needed to be put in a position where I am giving up control so that I will be prepared to follow. Even now I look around for jobs that maybe I could do part-time or from home, but really I need to focus on three important things: Luke, Gabe, and Kiera (oh, and probably Matt too ;) ).