So, it's time for me to get serious about my decision for next year. I am so grateful that I've had this year at home with the kids, but my year-long leave will be over when school starts next August. The question that I have been wrestling with for the past several months is whether or not I will be there when it starts up or if I will be home with Gabe and Kiera. I tend to lean heavily one direction and then several things will happen than influence me to lean the other way. This wouldn't be so difficult if I thought I could stay home for a few years and then get back into teaching. Unfortunately, I work in a field where being "overly qualified" can actually work against you when looking for a job. With a Master's and 7 years experience, there's a good chance that I would be too expensive to hire. There is also the fact that I LOVE my school and coworkers! That being said, education has changed a lot in these past 7 years. Authentic teaching seems to be on the back burner while data boards, test scores, and textbooks are creeping to the forefront. This year I missed the excitement of beginning a new year, organizing my classroom, getting everything ready, and meeting the kids. I missed those teachable moments and the excitement that bubbles over when 6 year-olds are involved in hands-on science lessons. I didn't miss updating my webpage, endless streams of emails, dealing with behavior problems, hours of lesson planning, cutting engaging science lessons to spend the "correct" amount of time on reading or math, updating data boards, data folders, and data spreadsheets. I miss the days of truly integrated units of study where learning seemed to happen naturally and didn't need to be recorded every step of the way. Don't get me wrong, I believe that it is important to show growth and progress, but it doesn't have to come in test form. I miss the days of meaningful projects that made kids excited to come to school. I miss seeing kids learn when they thought they were just having fun! I do not miss timers, deadlines, pressuring children to progress further than they are developmentally ready to progress, meetings, state regulations, constant testing, and feeling like we're rushing through activities just to say that we accomplished it all. And really, what have we accomplished if we've rushed through the day? We have created stressed out children who rush through just to get the job done rather than calm, clear thinking children who enjoy the journey that is their childhood and take the time to really understand.
At home, the pace is almost too slow though. I almost desperately seek some sort of mental stimulation. So far that has entailed: couponing, cloth diapering (which led to an ebay obsession), sewing (only to fix things), and making bows and headbands. Each "hobby" gets full attention for a couple weeks or so and then grows old though I still do each of these things some of the time. I have visions of being a "good" stay-at-home mommy. In these visions, I wake up before the kids to work out and shower. I then fix breakfast and wake everyone up (cheerfully). We actually do the activities that I have planned out, but never really implemented on a regular basis such as calendar time, pre-reading activities, science experiments, math games, music/dance time, and scheduled trips to the library and WonderLab. Now, we do engage in each of these activities sometimes, but it is random and unplanned. I keep waiting for motivation to get my act together, but it eludes me. And so I wonder if I would be a better mom if I were to go back to work where things are busier and more scheduled because I would be more productive and energetic.
I know there is no "right" or "wrong" decision here. There is just the decision that is best for my family. I am trying desperately to figure out where God wants me because I know that if I choose to follow His path, He will be there to light they way. I feel that going back to work is actually the safe and easy choice for me because it is familiar. I know what to expect and I feel more in control. God doesn't call for us to be in control though. He calls for us to trust in Him. So, do I trust Him enough to quit my job and enter the realm of unknowns? I wish I could say yes, but I hesitate and He knows because He always knows. So I continue to ask God to guide me in this decision. I want to make sure that if I quit my job (a job that I feel He led me to 5 years ago) then it is truly because God is leading me in a new direction and for no other reason. Quitting would be a giant leap of faith for me. It would be putting into practice what I say I believe - that God will always provide what we need. Thoughts swirl around and around in my mind when it comes to this decision. It keeps me awake at night, robs me of joy during the day, takes attention away from my children, and leaves very little of my mind available for my husband who has been wonderfully supportive of either decision. And so I must decide for my own sanity and so that I know where to register Luke for kindergarten. Next week begins registration for MCCSC and RBBCSC's registration is only a couple weeks away.
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